Operation: Hot Bitch EXTREME - Witness the Fitness

 The ultimate Hot Bitch

So, yes, I’ve raved on about O.H.B. before but I have surprised myself in the past couple of months in the intense strive for the bikini ready body and need to talk about it. (Or you could call it a full-blown addiction to exercise). Some advances have been made and I need to share them.

First up is swimming. Some might think this is a boring up/down/up/down/watch/the/black/line/and/count kind of exercise but it’s definitely more than that. For one, it’s Buddhism 101. And for another, things change when you have a swimming buddy who is an easy on the eye man mountain who says things like ‘Pour yourself a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up’ when it’s raining and you really don’t want to get up at 6.30am. Yeow!

In a previous post I swore that I’d never become a 30 something Buddhist – and that’s still a promise – but that whole mindfulness thing those Buddhist peeps talk about is what I do when I’m swimming. Thoughts come and they go and I swim them away. I’m in my swimming rhythm and it’s all about the next lap and the beauty of moving through the water – I like to call these moments being a whale shark. I’m a whale shark in a bikini, flippers and goggles. Hot.

 Me and my swimming buddy punching out some laps

By the time I’m done with the laps, I jump out of the pool and feel mentally refreshed. Despite the fact that for quite a lot of the time I’ve been trying to swim like the clappers competing against men in another lane who don’t even know it’s a race. I felt awful the other day when I was swimming as hard as Thorpey trying to beat the guy in the next lane and when I got to the end I realised I’d just beat the buff guy with one arm and one leg. Well done. You beat a guy with a physical disability. I felt awful and was thinking ‘there’s another reason why you’re going straight to hell’ but then I told my swimming buddy about it and he reassured me he’d done the same thing. It’s hard to see in the water!

Me moments after winning the race the guy didn't know he was competing in

More about my man mountain easy on the eye swimming buddy… I never really understood the point of swimming laps with someone but I realise now that it makes all the difference. It’s way more fun. You can actually talk swimming stuff and moan about how hard it is and the other person kinda cares! (Although my swimming buddy does wear earplugs...) And there’s someone to hi-five with at the end of a big swim! Swimming solidarity is the business.

Warming up my fingers in class

While I’ve been doing all this swimming I’ve also been zumba-ing and reggaetoning my arse off. Another team spirit thing (sometimes with spirit fingers) that has caught me unawares. After going on a hardcore yet futile recruitment drive with every lady I know, I now have dance class friends who I look forward to seeing. In class I’m not afraid to pipe up and ask the teacher to play my favourite track so I can drop and grind.

My favourite zumba class track EVER. Skank faces optional.

I’ve even graduated to the front row… by my own making.. I didn’t go to reggaeton last week and am sad that I missed out on my crazy Russian dance teacher chastising the class for not being able to do a drop/bounce/kick move because they were ‘a little bit fat’. I love her. She loves us all so much but can’t resist keepin’ it real because let’s face it, we don’t have a taut perky arse like hers.

By 2pm most days I may be speaking in tongues because I’m so damn exhausted but I’ve never felt better. And I haven’t even started my holiday yet. Woop!