Taking Operation: Hot Bitch to the streets

 The original hot bitch, Richard Simmons

It’s worked. It hasn’t been easy but I have now decided to embrace Operation: Hot Bitch as a full-time endeavour. The highlights have been losing 7.5kg in 4 weeks, not having a hangover in 7 weeks, getting back on Shazam my bicycle, quitting smoking, kicking a sugar habit, exercising every day, making it through a zumba class without getting a stitch and apparently my complexion has a certain healthy glow.

Let’s break this down, bitches.

The booze-free lifestyle was perhaps the best thing I’ve done this century. For real. Stupid decisions weren’t made. Stupid money wasn’t spent. It felt great to be bouncing out of bed early in the morning on the weekends. And I found I always had money, so instead of saving it, spent it all on grey marle.

 I need to get me a red do-rag to complete the look

When I was exercising I would have running on repeat through my head ‘Chloe Sevigny in a bikini’. Say it aloud. ‘Chloe Sevigny in a bikini.’ It’s got a certain ring to it. She’s my body idol. I want to be strutting around in summer looking like her. To do that, I’ve got a whole lot more poppin’ and droppin’ to do in zumba class. Tonight after zumba I saw the hip hop class so have decided to do that as well. The teacher looked like one sassy lady.

 Chloe zumbas. Surely.

I learned quite a lot about myself during this whole O.H.B. experience, too. I am a guts. And a hedonist. So, I’ve stopped eating Indian takeaway weekly, stopped drinking god knows how many bottles of savvy b a week, stopped piling up my plate. What is awesome is that it hasn’t been super hard. Except for the drinking thing.

When I was going out I would be exhausted by 11 pm and go home and then miss out on ‘the party of the year’ or whatever. I loathe missing out. Especially if there is dancing involved. But I pushed through and didn’t touch a drop. It was okay until I got a promotion at work. That’s when I really wanted to pop the champagne and go a little crazy. But I didn’t.

 There's only one way to celebrate a promotion.

In the end it was my family who drove me back to the drink. The first glass of pinot noir I had with my parents was like sweet nectar of the gods! How I appreciated that taste! Every single drink I’ve had since has been the same. Last Friday night, I sipped a pot of beer a friend bought me, eye rolled in ecstasy and giddily asked, ‘My god! What is this beer?! It’s amazing!!’ It was Cooper’s.

So, in a nutshell, I want to take Operation: Hot Bitch to the streets. Everyone should do it. I see a brand! Books, DVDs, T-shirts, talk shows, workouts, O.H.B. themed cruises! Not by me though. I envision a diva-like, grey marle wearing, gay black man hi-kicking and hi-fiving all the way to Barbados and back (ok, it would be me, but my true inner self). Who looks like the Old Spice Guy. Time to go viral.